We’ve got another cool selection of five films, old and new, this week. We’ll start off with two brand-new ones, “The Monkey” and “The Rule of Jenny Pen” (2025). “Monolith” was from 2022, and then 2014’s “Deep in the Darkness” and the sorta-classic “Chillerama” from 2011.
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Mainstream Films:
2025 The Monkey
Directed by Osgood Perkins
Written by Osgood Perkins, Stephen King
Stars Theo James, Tatiana Maslany, Christian Convery
Run Time: 1 Hour, 38 Minutes
Trailer:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
Like the poster implies, there’s quite a body count in this one. And the deaths are over the top. It’s a good mix of dark humor and gruesome horror, very well made. We both really liked it.
Spoilery Synopsis
After the 1970s-era titles, we cut to a junk shop. Captain Petey Shelborn comes in with a monkey toy; he’s also covered in blood. He explains that it’s not a toy, but the proprietor doesn’t want it. Suddenly, the monkey starts banging his drum, and the captain looks around, terrified. We soon see that he has good reason to be afraid. The captain sees a flamethrower on the wall and burns the monkey. Credits roll.
It’s 1999, and Hal and his twin brother Bill are annoying. Their deadbeat father was a pilot who walked out on the family. In the father’s closet, they find a box containing the monkey toy. Their father was Captain Petey from earlier, and this is the monkey he burned, only it looks untouched now. Bill turns the key on the monkey's back, but nothing happens.
The babysitter takes the boys to a Japanese-style restaurant, and they take the monkey with them. The monkey activates, plays his drum, and inside, the chef accidentally beheads the babysitter. Bill and Hal’s mother talks about death, but she sounds almost eager for it.
Hal gets bullied at school, and when he gets home, he finds the monkey in his room. He takes it to school with him. Hal tells the monkey that he wishes Bill was dead. Instead, their mother dies. The doctors said it was an aneurysm, but Hal knows better. The monkey doesn’t take requests.
The boys go to live with Aunt Ida and Uncle Chip. Hal cuts up the monkey, which bleeds like a real monkey. He puts the pieces in the trash and the family moves to Maine.
Bill finds the monkey, and Hal says he cut it up back at the other house. They both know it killed the babysitter. Bill wants to try it again, just to be sure. Soon, Uncle Chip is trampled by wild horses on a camping trip. The boys throw the monkey down into a well.
Twenty-five years later, Aunt Ida hears the monkey’s song playing and goes down to the basement to investigate. She falls into a box of fishing lures and then sets herself on fire, but that’s… not the worst of it.
Grown-up Hal now works in a store, and Dwayne, his boss, is half his age. He’s divorced from his wife, and her new husband, Ted, is a “family” expert. Hal’s son, little Petey, keeps asking about Hal. Ted wants to legally adopt Petey, and then Hal won’t be able to visit anymore.
At Aunt Ida’s estate sale, Ricky, a young guy, buys the monkey; it reminds him of his dad. Ricky knows a guy who might want to buy the monkey.
Petey wants to know about Hal’s family; he’s working on a family tree. Hal denies having any siblings. That night, he dreams about the monkey. Bill calls him on the phone to tell Hal about Aunt Ida’s death. Bill wants Hal to make sure the monkey isn’t in her house. As they discuss the monkey, a woman at the motel’s swimming pool explodes. Hal and Petey leave the motel in the middle of the night.
Hal really doesn’t want Petey to be involved with any of this, but his son wants to see Hal’s childhood home. Barbara, the realtor, tells Petey about Bill, his uncle. Barbara recounts all the outrageous deaths from the past week in town. Every day since Ida, one person or more has died ridiculously. She doesn’t remember selling a toy monkey at the estate sale. Barbara becomes the next death when she meets a shotgun in a closet.
As the police investigate the death, Ricky and a bunch of cheerleaders congregate outside. Hal tells Bill on the phone that there’s no monkey here, but that people have been dying mysteriously all over town.
Hal opens up the 2024 phone book (those exist?) and looks for Bill inside, thinking he might be local. He finds “Mrs. Monkey” in there instead.
We hear from Bill, who explains that he crawled back into the well for the monkey. It was gone, but there was a note saying it would be back. Years later, in 2016, the year of the monkey, he started seeing it everywhere. He became obsessed, even placing ads in the paper looking for his monkey. When Ricky brought him the monkey, he prayed to its infinite wisdom to smite the right person. It hasn’t yet.
We cut to Dwayne hurting himself. Ricky asks Bill for the monkey back. When Bill refuses, he goes home and gets a gun.
Petey asks Hal if he’s ever killed anybody, and Hal’s not really sure how to answer. Hal calls Bill, who admits to turning the monkey’s key. Bill wants Petey to turn the key. “The person who turns the key never dies.” If Petey turns the key over and over, he’ll never die.
Ricky comes to the door and take Hal and Petey hostage at gunpoint. He sends Petey inside to get the monkey from Bill. Inside Bill’s house, Petey encounters several booby traps. We see all kinds of dangerous things in and around the building– it’s not gonna go well for someone.
Bill shows Petey the monkey and tells him that it was Petey’s grandfather. Petey does, in fact, turn the key. Outside, Hal and Ricky notice the world’s biggest hornets nest. Ricky accidentally shoots it through the windshield, and all hell breaks loose– but just for Ricky.
Bill wants the monkey to kill Hal. Bill winds the monkey and watches the monkey really go to town on his drum. An airplane crash sends bodies through the roof of the building.
Bill confronts Hal; he knows that Hal got his mother killed by trying to kill him. The two make up, at least a little. The monkey activates, and the Rube-Goldberg in the traps all feed on each other, and Bill’s head gets blown off with a bowling ball.
Hal and Petey drive through what’s left of the town, and it’s just… wow. They decide to keep the monkey and accept that it’s theirs. They stop at a traffic light as Death himself rides by on his pale horse.
They decide to go dancing.
Brian’s Commentary
There are numerous callbacks to Stephen King characters and names as well as for other movies. The deaths here are all excessively over-the-top and comical, and they’re the high point of the film.
It’s very silly, but it’s also very well made. The characters are interesting, the deaths are very creative, and it all moves at a reasonable speed. I liked this one a lot.
Kevin’s Commentary
The death scenes were awesome. And so was watching Hal just trying to deal with it all. I was also impressed with the acting and effects from a single actor playing twins, both the boys and the adult versions. It deserves a big thumbs up from me.
2025 The Rule of Jenny Pen
Directed by James Ashcroft
Written by Eli Kent, James Ashcroft, Owen Marshall
Stars Geoffrey Rush, John Lithgow, George Henare, Nikki MacDonald
Run Time: 1 Hour, 44 Minutes
Trailer:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
This is an extreme tale of how getting old is awful, with bullying and tyranny when and where there shouldn’t be. The performances from the two leads are impressive. We both thought it was on the long side, but it was worth the watch.
Spoilery Synopsis
Stefan Mortensen squashes a bug with a tissue. Oh, wait, he’s in the middle of a trial, and he’s the judge– a harsh one at that. In the middle of pronouncing a sentence, he has a stroke and keels over.
The next we see, Stefan is in a wheelchair in a rest home. He insists that he’s only in this cheap place temporarily. The man sitting next to Stefan outside accidentally sets himself on fire, but the place is a little short staffed, and that goes badly.
At the musical show, Stefan notices the other patients, including one old man cuddling a hand puppet. Stefan soon finds out he’s in a double-occupancy room with a man who really likes to talk.
We see that Stefan has some serious problems with his hands, and he might be a little suicidal.
We cut to the man with the puppet, Dave Crealy, as he walks through the halls at night. The doll is Jenny Pen. He stops to talk to an old woman who’s forgotten she’s been there for years. He pours a bucket of urine all over Stefan that night.
In the morning, all the nurses insist that Stefan peed himself, even though he tries to explain. He even names Dave as his assailant, but no one pays any attention.
The two men soon become arch enemies.
That night, Jenny Pen (and Dave) visit Tony, Stefan’s Maori roommate, a former rugby legend. He torments both men with his evil puppet. Tony explains that he’s always been like this, but now Dave has an audience in Stefan. Still, we see that he picks on and abuses most all the patients.
Tony confides in Stefan about Dave’s ongoing bullying. This has gone in for years since Tony got there, but Tony doesn’t seem interested in making it stop. Dave complains that Stefan’s been stealing from him, and they do find some things. They do find something nasty, but it’s clear Stefan didn’t know about it.
Stefan sees that Dave was on the staff going back for decades, so he knows all the ins and outs of the place. They trade barbs at lunch. Dave, on the other hand, knows exactly how Stefan’s deterioration is going to progress; he’s not going to get any better. We soon see, with the doctor visits, that Stefan really isn’t getting any better, he’s getting worse from the stroke.
Dave leads an old woman outside and opens the gate to let her out to die. He makes a mistake this time, however, as she has his access card in her pocket. He has quite the adventure getting it back.
The doctors start “managing expectations” when Stefan talks about leaving. He’s started having memory blips and losing track of time. As he and Tony commiserate, Dave kills another oldster.
Stefan sneaks into Dave’s room and looks at Jenny Pen, who briefly has real eyes. He drains Dave’s inhaler, so Dave’s next asthma attack is revenge. Stefan sleeps well that night, setting aside his call button.
The next morning at breakfast, Stefan and Tony note the complete lack of Dave. It’s very peaceful.
When Dave returns, he sets up quite a scene, but Stefan gets all the blame. None of the patients are competent enough to back him up in any way. Stefan passes out and wakes up in a hospital room, alone. Now almost paralyzed, Dave really torments him, just like he did with Tony.
Timid Tony gets up his courage and tries to do a Haka dance at Dave, but it’s just pitiful; the nurses help him away. Dave realizes that Tony might be “growing a pair” but can’t let up. He finds Stefan hiding in a laundry room– no, it’s an ambush, as Tony and Stefan beat up Dave. It’s a rather low-energy combat, but the two weak men do outnumber Dave, who dies. Jenny Pen ends up melting in a bonfire later.
Stefan peacefully plays backgammon with another man as Tony naps in the background. Everyone is happy. Or as happy as it gets in this place.
Brian’s Commentary
Getting old sucks, but this is a bit much. I find it hard to believe that Dave could be doing all that and the staff wouldn’t even notice. The real horror here is the lack of staff in these places.
I like how the doll changed expressions depending on what was going on at the time. Still, other than the changes in the doll’s face, there’s no indication that anything supernatural or weird is really going on. It’s not controlling him, Dave is just an evil man picking on old people.
The performances here are excellent, as you’d expect with these two men, but the film itself really just goes on and on, dragging quite a lot in the middle.
It’s quite a story!
Kevin’s Commentary
This was painful and sad to watch at times. The movie plays up the ways that getting old can suck, with infirmity, loss of independence, and isolation. The performances were great. The script was well written, but a little on the long side. It felt like it was going on longer than it should. I’d give it a moderate thumbs up overall.
2022 Monolith
Directed by Matt Vesely
Written by Lucy Campbell
Stars Lily Sullivan, Damon Herriman, Ling Cooper Tang
Run Time: 1 Hour, 34 Minutes
Trailer:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
For such a simple premise, and being about one actor in one house, this was surprisingly good. It builds steadily, getting more suspenseful and weirder as it goes. Lily Sullivan is excellent, which is good since she’s the only one we ever see in person - the rest of the cast literally phone it in. We both liked it a lot.
Spoilery Synopsis
A man tells a story about how his family is a bit unusual. A man followed them for years, taking thousands of photos of the family. Still, he has no evidence of this at all. No, wait, the man telling the story is a nut. We zoom out to see an Interviewer talking to the crazy man for her podcast. She says she’s going to tell us a story, all we have to do is listen. Credits roll.
We watch as the Interviewer apologizes for a mistake she made in checking out some sources for a news story. “Beyond Believable” is her show, where she exposes the “truth” behind conspiracies, hoaxes, and such.
She gets an email that has a number for Floramae King, but she doesn’t know why. She calls the number and asks about a “brick.” King says the brick changed her life. Twenty years ago, she was having a hard time in life, but then she received a black brick. The brick was taken from her and sold to an art dealer. Even today, she can still feel “the power” from the brick after all these years.
She calls Mr. Lang, the art collector. He admits that he has several of these bricks. He received one when he was young, and he’s been collecting them since. He knows of at least a dozen in existence. The interior of each brick consists of hundreds of symbols overlaid and folded onto each other. He feels that his original brick was meant just for him, it’s connected to him somehow. He also talks about an ugly creature he once encountered, but he also felt that it was his brother. After that, he got the brick. He’s very convincing until he offers to sell her one of his bricks.
She talks to Scott, who says she needs a break, especially after getting fired from her job. This new podcast isn’t working out for her. Who sent that anonymous email in the first place? She publishes what she’s got and asks if any listeners know anything more about these bricks. Her boss, Tyler, likes what she’s sent him.
Sure enough, a woman contacts her about another brick. Laura got hers about two years ago. She gets visions from hers, and she also loses time once in a while. It’s trying to tell her, “Something awful is coming.” She can’t talk about where she got the rock.
The Interviewer continues to do interviews and research, and she starts her own “crazy wall.” Several callers say the bricks are dangerous and should not be spoken of, the podcast itself may be causing trouble. “You need to stop what you’re doing– you’re in danger now!”
Mr. Lang, the art dealer, sends her some volumetric scans of the interiors of the bricks, and they are very weird. She sends them to Scott, who’s a linguist. The markings inside look like a language, but nothing he recognizes.
She gets a USB drive in a box on her doorstep. It holds a video of a little girl’s ninth birthday party, where she got a brick. Except… that was her birthday party. Who sent that?
She calls Lang, who denies sending her the information. He’s got a video of the bricks in his vault. He senses his dead brother in the vault. There’s screams on the phone and then it goes dead.
She talks to a reporter who did an article on a viral disease that travels through sound. People went crazy after hearing about a certain thing. She warns that publishing what she knows could be dangerous, and not everything needs to be told.
The Interviewer starts getting ill and is clearly very disturbed by all this. Is she going crazy? She finds that Floramae King used to work for her family, and they’re the one who stole the brick from her. She’s been involved in this from her childhood. Floramae claims she didn’t know that the Interviewer was the family’s child. We find out that there was a whole lot of drama that went on back in the day.
The Interviewer calls her father, who knows all about the brick. She admits to the incident that got Floramae fired all those years ago; she was jealous of Paula, Floramae’s daughter, and lied about damaging some furniture. The incident ended up ruining Paula’s life. She admits to destroying the furniture herself. Or did she? The brick may have been behind it all.
Suddenly, she gets sick and pukes up… a brick. She takes a hammer to it and breaks it to pieces. A bit later, she gets a vision of herself, and it crushes her audio recorder with one hand. She runs outside and hides from her other self. They fight with each other, and one kills the other. We don’t know which was which.
All cleaned up, she tells her story to the audience.
Brian’s Commentary
“Let’s make a horror movie about a magic rock!” It’s an unsolved mystery/conspiracy theory/unexplained phenomenon story that’s more mystery/sci-fi than horror, but it’s very cool.
The idea of the sound-based illness is very reminiscent of “Pontypool” (2009) but other than that, the story is very different.
That’s a nice podcast setup! The film has only one character who ever appears on screen, mostly in her apartment, but we do get some glimpses and flashbacks to other places from time to time.
There’s almost no action, but it’s an interesting mystery to follow along to the end. In the end, we don’t really get an explanation, but it’s all very strange and weird.
Kevin’s Commentary
I thought it was very effective, just having one character, and how we never learned her name through the whole thing. The build is well done, layering on the mystery gradually. It was all around very cool.
2014 Deep in the Darkness
Directed by Colin Theys
Written by Michael Laimo, John Doolan
Stars Dean Stockwell, Sean Patrick Thomas, Blanche Baker
Run Time: 1 Hour, 40 Minutes
Trailer:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
When a family moves from the big city to a small town, there’s always going to be a little bit of adjustment. This is an extreme case of that. There are some plot points that make questionable sense, and some things that just don’t work that way in real life, but overall it was a pretty entertaining film. It deserves a moderate thumbs up.
Spoilery Synopsis
We open on a man carrying his daughter through the woods. He’s dirty, and he’s been through something bad. He hears screams coming from another room…
We cut to the same man, Dr. Michael Cayle, who talks to a woman whose husband was killed by a rabid dog. She wants to sell her dead husband’s medical practice and the house. Cayle wants to get out of the city. Michael’s family, wife, Christine, and daughter, Jessica, move to the little town of Ashborough. As soon as they arrive, Jessica pukes all over, and Michael steps on a nail, a great start.
Neighbors Phil and Tyler Deighton walk up to introduce themselves. They’re nice and invite the family over for lunch. Michael goes into their bathroom to fix up his foot and meets Mrs. Deighton, who has a strangely disfigured face. At lunch , Michael seems to be in a hurry to leave. Phil mentions that they don’t have cable in this little town, but there are plenty of videotapes at the library. There’s also a town curfew: everyone off the streets by eight.
Michael goes into the office and pulls out the medical records for Mrs. Deighton but doesn’t really look at them. He gets a box full of ebola and other diseases addressed to the former, now-dead doctor, from “Zach,” and he places them in a safe.
Michael starts seeing patients; everyone wants to meet the new doctor, including Lauren, who’s flirty. Phil takes Michael on a hike in the woods, and they go to an old burial ground. Not Indians, but some strange people, the Isolates, who used to live around here. People used to give them sacrifices to keep their families safe. Correction, people still make sacrifices here. Phil says he expects Michael to kill an animal on the stone slab, but Michael thinks it’s all just folklore.
The family goes to a welcoming party for Michael at the church, and Michael feels out of place in the all-white town. Phil reminds Michael about making the sacrifice, but Michael’s busy meeting all the townspeople. The Sheriff and his son, AJ, meet the doctor. Lauren is there, and she asks for his protection, but he thinks she’s just flirting again.
Old lady Zellis is the town’s matriarch, and she thinks she runs the town. Christine has a meeting with her and immediately wants to go home. At night, we see something strange looking in the windows, but Michael doesn’t. Jessica asks about ghosts.
Christine announces that she’s pregnant, and Lady Zellis is the town's midwife; it’s what all the women in town do. She’s started spending a lot of time at the church.
That night, Michael has a nightmare but wakes up when he hears something out in the barn. It’s a goat, and Michael kills it in a panic. When he comes back with materials to get rid of the body, it’s gone.
The next day, all of Michael’s patients are no-shows and cancellations. Lauren staggers by, covered in blood. The only thing she says is “Christine” before she dies. He runs inside to call 911, but her body is gone when he returns. Michael goes to the sheriff, who is not helpful.
Lauren turns up later in the middle of the road, it looks like a hit-and-run. Michael’s about to say something, but Tyler stops him. “Don’t– there are rules here.” Michael calls Phil, who can’t talk about it right now.
Michael plugs in a UV light and sees blood splatters and prints all over the house, even on Jessica’s bed– and her face. Michael’s car stops working. His internet is broken. The taxi company refuses to come.
Lady Zellis comes to Michael. “You didn’t make the sacrifice. If we didn’t need you, you’d be dead already.” She warns that something is coming.
Something comes. It’s a bunch of animalistic troglodytes with glowing eyes. They lead Michael and Zellis to their cave lair, where Michael meets the Isolates, not as extinct as Phil may have suggested. They have a sick and very pregnant Isolate who needs his help. He cuts the “woman” open, pulls out her baby, and sews her back up.
Michael wakes up at home and goes straight to Phil’s place. Phil says he tried to warn them not to stay, but they didn’t get the hint. The Isolates took Phil’s wife last night; they left her eyes.
Michael confronts Christine, who also knows more than she’s saying. “I know enough to keep my mouth shut, and so should you. I think it’s time you take the dog for a walk– before it’s too late!” Michael takes the dog to the sacrificial stone but is interrupted by Jessica, who has monsters following her.
Michael boards up all the windows on the house, but Tyler says, “They’ll find a way.” The Isolates do, in fact, come for Michael that night; the sick one needs more attention, so he gives her some penicillin. She dies, and the others eat her.
Michael finds that Phil is also in the cave; they know Phil talked to Michael, and they took him as punishment. The Isolates insist that Michael kill Phil, which he does.
The next day, Tyler comes for a visit. He has Phil’s eyes in a paper cup. He wants to kill the Isolates, but now it’s Michael who plays dumb. He says that Zellis is half-Isolate, and she runs the town, so there’s no help anywhere. Michael knows “they” hear everything, so he slips Tyler a note. Michael then packs the bags for the family.
The family drives out of town, but the sheriff stops them for “breaking curfew.” Christine runs the sheriff down and stops to pick up Tyler. Michael goes into Tyler’s house, and we see there are isolates inside. He finds Zellis interrogating Tyler and interrupts them.
Outside, the monsters are tearing apart Christine’s minivan. There’s a very bloody battle, and the good guys eventually all get in the car and drive away. The road is blocked, and they crash just as Christine starts to say something about the baby. They all end up walking back to their house, but Tyler has been “marked” by Zellis, and the Isolates get him anyway.
Michael takes a dead Isolate to his office and does some tests. The Isolates seem very prone to infection, and he just happens to have a box of plagues in his safe. He now realizes that the old doctor had ordered the diseases to be used against the Isolates, so maybe Michael can do the same.
He loads up a syringe with bubonic plague and goes back to the caves. They’ve got another sick Isolate in there, and he “treats” this one with the plague. They make him inject a small amount into himself first, but Michael has prepared for that by gobbling some pills first. He injects the sick creature, and they lead him back out of the cave, where he rescues Jessica. He gives her some pills so she can also avoid getting the bubonic plague.
All the Isolates die from the plague within minutes.
Back at the house, Christine is giving birth. Zellis is there assisting, as is the sheriff. The thing that comes out isn’t quite human. “Someday, she’ll speak for them, too,” Zellis says as someone sedates Michael.
Michael wakes up and notices an old photo of his wife as a child. The mailbox behind her shows that she’s also from the Zellis family.
Brian’s Commentary
Michael thought the town was treating him strangely because he was black, but it turned out to be a lot worse.
This actually came out the year before “Bone Tomahawk” (2015), but it would also be a great sequel to that film.
Why did Michael want to leave the city so badly? We never saw any incident. Why do the townspeople put up with all this? It seems that everyone knows what’s going on, and the sheriff can’t block the roads all by himself every moment of every day.
Throughout most of the movie, we wondered about the box of diseases, but it was eventually explained. Still, no plague kills that quickly, and no cure or preventative would work that quickly, either. Is the whole town now infected with the plague? We don’t see any evidence of that, but… we should.
The creature effects here are really effective, and the creatures are certainly nightmare fuel. There’s a lot that doesn’t make any sense, but overall, I thought it was pretty fun as long as you don’t think too hard.
Kevin’s Commentary
“What’s a troglodyte?” asks Jessica. Kid, you’re going to find out. So much of the movie hinges on a shipment of disease samples - Ebola, HIV, bubonic plague, some others - that were packed in test tubes and sent through the mail. And then they are handled in a small-town doctor's office facility. Nitpicking aside, it was a pretty entertaining film, and I had a good time watching it.
2011 Chillerama
Directed by Adam Green, Joe Lynch, Bear McCreary
Written by Adam Rifkin, Tim Sullivan, Adam Green
Stars Adam Rifkin, Sarah Mutch, Ray Wise
Run Time: 2 Hours
Trailer:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
The whole thing is layers of parody, movies within a movie that takes place at a drive-in theater. It’s raunchy, gross, politically incorrect, and very funny. But in a sick kind of way, so you are warned. Oh yeah, and there’s musical numbers too. It’s not a classic of cinema, but we liked it more than disliked it.
Spoilery Synopsis
It’s an anthology. The wraparound story takes place at a drive-in.
Zom-B-Movie
Floyd digs up his dead wife’s grave in black-and-white. He decides to have sex with the corpse, who sits up and bites his bean-bag off. He’s late for work, so he pulls his pants up and walks out of the cemetery.
He limps to the Kaufman Drive-In Theater, which is featuring “Chillerama” tonight. The four films tonight are the theater’s last ones, and they’re both rare and special films. We cut from car to car as the patrons joke about how awful these movies are going to be.
Old man Kaufman is depressed by his impending forced retirement. Floyd, the guy from the cemetery, staggers in, and he’s not looking good at all. Kaufman gets on the PA and announces the first film…
Wadzilla
Dr. Weems is a urologist, and he shows Miles normal sperm— and then Miles’s own little swimmer. Weems offers a new drug to increase Miles’s sperm count. It won’t increase the number of sperms, but it will increase their strength.
The next day, at breakfast, Miles takes one of the pills. Every woman he sees that morning causes him pain. Dr. Weems gives him a very painful test. “I don’t think you’re going to need a microscope.” The tadpole-sized sperm crawls across the floor. Weems instructs Miles to stop taking the pills.
That night, Miles goes on a blind date with Louise, and it happens again. Louise calls a friend who explains the problem, and she feels sorry for Miles, who is now chasing a rat-sized sperm all over her bathroom. He clogs the toilet with it, but then it comes back up, and it’s gotten a lot bigger. It’s got big teeth, and he throws it through the window out into the yard.
The sperm wriggles its way to the nearby park, where it eats a woman’s dog– and then the woman’s head. About ten feet tall now, the sperm starts eating homeless people.
Miles and Louise see the sperm on the evening news; it’s now the size of a house, and the military is trying to figure out how to “rub it out.” As it continues to grow, they start calling it “Wadzilla.” It wants to fertilize an ovum, and only the Statue of Liberty is large enough.
The Statue of Liberty is all in on that idea, dancing and tempting the monster to impregnate her. Before it can, the army drops a giant condom over the green woman. Her torch, however, tears the condom. The army ends up bombing the thing, which splashes everyone in town with white goo.
Louise spits out a mouthful as Miles jokes, “Some first date, huh?” She leans in for a kiss, and he bends over in pain… another one?
We cut back to moviegoers in the theater. Ryan goes to the concession stand for snacks. Meanwhile, Floyd’s in the back room, bleeding blue goo. He gets the goo in the popcorn butter, which gets put on all the popcorn. It’s time for the next movie…
I Was A Teenage Werebear
Two teens have sex in a van. It’s 1962. Ricky’s father interrupts and won’t stop watching. His girlfriend, Peggy Lou starts to sing– it’s a musical! Talon pulls Ricky out of the way as a truck plows into Peggy Lou. Ricky doesn’t mind, because he’s gay, but he takes her to a gypsy woman. The old gypsy woman doesn’t like Talon.
We cut to a 1960’s beach party, with an excessive amount of male wrestling. Talon and Rick wrestle, “Give it to me, Rick!” Talon suddenly grows fangs and bites Rick in the rear. Rick sings about how he’s gotta “Purge this urge.” He talks to the coach about his urges, and the coach understands– that’s why he watches the team shower after practice. Rick’s eyes grow red and he accidentally kills the coach. He has the strength of a grizzly.
Talon says that the bite from him made Ricky into a werebear. When Butch catches them, they all undress and fight in the locker room. Talon turns into a bear– in every sense of the word. Afterwards, there’s a big pile of bodies in the room, but Ricky denies that he’s one of them. He’s in denial and in the closet about being a werebear, oh, and about being gay, too.
Talon and Ricky sing “Love bit me on the ass,” which is quite a song. As they dance, they both turn into leather bears.
That night, it’s the big Luau dance for the high school. Talon sings another song, “Do the Wham Bam!” Suddenly, there are Bears everywhere. People lose their heads, literally.
The old gypsy woman has a silver dildo that she uses to kill the werebears with Ricky’s help.
Back at the drive-in, more people go in to buy popcorn. Old man Kaufman pulls out a pistol and considers suicide. He puts the gun down and introduces the next film,
The Diary of Anne Frankenstein
We open on a black-and-white subtitled film, where Anne Frank, in the attic, finds her grandfather’s diary. He was said to have experimented with bad things. That’s why their family shortened their name from “Frankenstein.” Suddenly, the Nazis storm in and capture everyone. Hitler himself stumbles into the room. Hitler wants to know about the journal. He kills everyone and takes Frankenstein’s book. He gives one of the men Anne’s diary, “Write depressing stuff in this as if a teenager wrote it!”
Hitler orders parts from the grave digger, and they wheel the body parts into his office. Hitler starts to break into song, but then a bad edit cuts that out. He soon reveals his monster, who looks like a big, square-headed rabbi. The creature soon comes to life. “It’s alive!”
Hitler and Eva Braun laugh at how smart the monster, Meshugannah, is; he even got them money back on their taxes! Hitler has a hard time convincing the monster to kill. Once the monster figures out he’s Jewish, he has no trouble killing the guards. The mayhem continues so long that they all just sort of get bored with it.
Soon, it’s Hitler vs. Meshugganah as they battle through the various film sets we’ve seen. Hitler soon loses his head.
Back in the theater, the audience isn’t looking very healthy anymore. People start turning into zombies.
Mr. Kaufman introduces the next movie, “Deathication.” The director explains how it literally scares the crap out of people. We then get a montage of people pooping, painting, and dancing.
In the office, Floyd and Kaufman fight, and the old man shoots Floyd the zombie. Toby and Mayna come in and help fight the monster. Outside, the patrons have all turned into sex-crazed zombies. Ryan and Susie hide in the storeroom, but she changes into a zombie, which is the only reason she likes him. She bites him in the neck, and he becomes one as well.
Kaufman opens up his secret armory; he’s got some heavy weapons back there just for a time like this. Toby and Mayna battle their way outside to the car, but there are a lot of zombies out there. Kaufman kills many of them, each with a movie quote.
Locked in a car that won’t start, Mayne and Toby make out as the zombies surround them. The movie ends, and four guys in the audience (possibly the directors) complain about how awful the four stories were.
Stick through the credits and you’ll get to hear Hitler’s song.
Brian’s Commentary
I was shocked to see that this wasn’t a Troma film, because it’s got all the usual signs. The grainy film, the acting, and the over-the-top everything is just like their stuff.
Even considering all that, the special effects, gore, and mayhem are all well done and a lot of fun.
Each story is a parody. Wadzilla was obviously a kaiju film, Werebear was a beach-blanket musical, and Anne Frankenstein should be obvious. The Zom-B film is longer than it needs to be, but not excessively.
If you like movies that parody horror classics and tropes with lots of sex jokes, this might be right up your– um, alley.
Kevin’s Commentary
I found myself laughing more than I probably should have. Having each of the sections done in a different way made it more interesting. It’s stupid, but fun.
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