We’ve got some classics and not-so-classics this week from Charles Band and Full Moon Entertainment. We’ll begin with 1976’s “Crash!”, follow that up with “Parasite” from 1982, and get crazy with “Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn” from 1983. We’ll then fast-forward a bit and watch the very odd “Meridian: Kiss of the Beast” from 1990 and then the very recent “City of Demons” from 2025.
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Mainstream Films:
1976 Crash!
● Directed by Charles Band
● Written by Marc Marais
● Stars: Jose Ferrer, Sue Lyon, John Ericson
● Run Time: 1 Hour, 28 Minutes
● Trailer:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
The awesome poster is the best thing about this one. If you’re into old-school practical effect car chases, crashes, and explosions, this one's for you. As far as horror movies go, it’s pretty tame. A somewhat disjointed tale of murder and revenge and collateral damage. It wasn’t a great film by any means, but we found it pretty entertaining.
Spoilery Synopsis
A couple in a van talk about almost arriving at their destination. A car comes up behind them and forces them off the road. It’s a Crash! The van explodes in a huge fireball, and we see a body fly through the air.
Sometime later, we watch Kim walking through an outdoor flea market at a drive-in. She buys an ugly little figurine from a creepy man at the swap meet.
We cut to Kim’s husband, Marc Denne, watching old movies of them playing tennis. Marc is now confined to a wheelchair, and he’s not happy about it. He doesn’t want her to ever leave the house again.
We cut to a man in a car who encounters the black convertible that caused the crash earlier. He also crashes and explodes!
Kim uses the little figurine on her car key chain and then goes for a drive. Suddenly, a Doberman dog jumps in the back of her convertible and causes her to crash, this time without the explosion.
We cut to Kim in the hospital, covered from head to toe in bandages. She’s all cut up and has dog bites as well. She’s in shock and won’t release that little figurine. We cut to Marc, who actually trained the dog to attack and kill his own wife.
There’s an APB out for the black convertible hit-and-run car, and as the policeman chases the car, he sees no one driving it at all. It makes the police car crash and then drives off.
Dr. Martin and Lt. Pegler don’t know who she is or what really happened to her. She wasn’t found anywhere near a car accident, so someone dumped her in the desert. Marc watches a “Do You Know This Woman” announcement on TV, so he knows she’s still alive. “With no memory she’s as good as dead, but what if she remembers?” He asks the dog.
Marc goes to the hospital where Kim is staying and sneaks into her room. He pulls out her breathing tube and IV and then leaves. Shortly after, Nurse Kathy finds her dying but hooks her back up; she and Dr. Martin know someone tried to kill Kim.
The driverless ghost car is surrounded now by three police cars, and it’s a crazy chase. All three police cars meet a violent end as the ghost car drives on.
Dr. Martin sketches the figure that Kim won’t release and talks to a guy at the university. The little statue is a Kaza, and it’s really old. The occult character it represents is dedicated to revenge and violence. Meanwhile, Kim wakes up with bright red eyes, and she telepathically moves the wheelchair in her room.
Dr. Greg Martin and Nurse Kathy talk to Kim, who has woken up but doesn’t remember anything. Meanwhile, the ghost car kills a few more police cars and tourists. Lt. Pegler is surprised that Kim has recovered so quickly; she’s going home to live with Nurse Kathy. Greg takes the Kaza figure to a specialist, who turns out to be… Marc. Marc knows all about the Kaza,
That night, Marc’s electric wheelchair attacks Marc’s dog, and Kim seems to be behind it telepathically. The dog is killed. Kathy sees that Kim’s eyes have turned bright red. Marc knows that the Kaza was behind the attack.
Marc calls Kim and wants to meet, but she still doesn’t recognize him. They get together and go back to his house, and she doesn’t remember that, either. He calls her Kim, and she doesn’t pick up on that, either. He admits everything and then locks her in the sauna before cranking it up to eleven.
Lt. Pegler and Greg watch as a black convertible is towed in. The keys fit, so it’s absolutely Kim’s car, so now they know who she is. When Greg hears that she’s Mrs. Demme, he runs off.
At the police impound yard, the car springs to life and escapes as Kim controls it mentally from inside the sauna. As Kim's memory returns, we get a hazy “greatest crashes” montage; she remembers all the car crashes now. (I think we see edited versions of all the crashes here, which goes on for far too long and feels like filler.)
Greg contacts Lt. Pefler, who sends everyone to Marc’s house before it’s too late. Meanwhile, Marc sits at home and practices what he’s going to tell the police. The convertible gets there first, and it stares down Marc in his wheelchair. He shoots at the car, but his little wheelchair can’t outrun the killer car. The car pushes the wheelchair over a cliff. When he survives the fall, the car “jumps” on him and explodes. Yeah. He's dead now.
Greg arrives at the house and runs inside. He opens up the sauna and finds Kim inside with red eyes, still controlling the killer car. He leads her out to safety.
Brian’s Commentary
I was never quite clear on why Marc wanted to kill Kim in the first place.
If you like car crashes, this one has a lot of them. The majority of the film’s budget had to have been for junk vehicles and obsolete police cars, so I lost track of how many crashed in this. If the convertible causing all the accidents was Kim's car, then how did it cause the van crash in the opening… before Kim’s accident? It was probably just an editing thing, but we noticed it.
John Carradine plays Dr. Wesley Edwards, the anthropologist who tells Martin about the Kaza. It’s a very small role, and he did all his shots in one afternoon. Jose Ferrer was in a large number of horror films around this time, but for some reason, he never really became a horror icon, which is unfortunate. John Ericson, playing Greg, looks like he’d rather be just about anywhere else other than here.
It’s fun in the way only a 1970’s schlockfest can be, and it is entertaining. Still, no one’s going to call this a great film.
Kevin’s Commentary
Although this was choppy and disjointed, it was a fun watch. I might have been a little nostalgic, having seen so many films of that era that were heavy on car crashes or at least included one or two. I hadn’t seen this one before. It’s not a great movie, but I enjoyed it.
1982 Parasite
● Directed by Charles Band
● Written by Alan J. Adler, Michael Shoob, Frank Levering
● Stars Robert Glaudini, Demi Moore, Luca Bercovici
● Run Time: 1 Hour, 25 Minutes
● Trailer:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
This makes the bold claim of being the first futuristic monster movie in 3-D. Technically, perhaps it is. There is an ambitious story at the heart of it, but the execution doesn’t quite come together. It falls flat in the technical and acting aspects. It was some of Demi Moore’s earliest work, and she’s on record saying it was the worst movie she’s ever been in. It wasn’t truly awful, but it was pretty low.
Spoilery Synopsis
We open on a man loosely strapped to a table. A man with an “X” tattooed on his hand tightens the straps. There’s a scientist there, Dr. Paul Dean, and he’s working on something in his lab. There’s an accident and the worm he’s been experimenting on crawls inside him. Something bursts out of the man on the table’s chest, ala “Alien,” only cheaper looking. No, that was Paul’s nightmare– it was him on the table.
We see that it’s the far future of 1992, and the world has seen some changes, not for the better. Paul goes to a small, nearly deserted town and walks around with a laser pistol. He hears a scream and goes inside to find two men raping a woman. We see that for a scientist, Paul has the strength of a superhero as he takes out the two men. Afterward, the crazy woman attacks him, too. OK, it’s a bit more post-apocalyptic than it seemed at first.
Paul meets Buddy, an old man who’s tired of the crazies. He goes to Buddy’s for coffee, which is in short supply, but has a seizure due to the parasite inside him. On the way out, the crazy topless woman smashes his apparently-plastic laser pistol. He’s attacked by one of the men from before, but Paul stabs him in a really obvious 3D shot.
Paul stops for gas. The fill-up is $105, and they only take silver. He heads on into the tiny town of Joshua, population 60-ish. He finds a sign that says room for rent, and an older woman comes to the door. She doesn’t want his cash either, but she’ll take his gold ring. He gets a room and sets up all his “science stuff.”
Paul opens his shirt, and we see that his stomach is all grey and bumpy now. Paul goes next door to a restaurant that sells canned soup; the owner, Collins, doesn’t like the local kids. The local kids are all “punks” in every sense of the word, and they steal Paul’s soup. Patricia walks in, and they all turn their attention on her– she grows lemons for Collins. Ricus, the leader punk, used to work for the company, and he’s got the “X” tattoo to prove it. Pat and Collins eventually run off the gang.
Meanwhile, Miss Daley, Paul’s new landlord, goes through all his books and equipment. Outside, a menacing-looking black sports car zooms into the gas station, and the man inside gets out. He’s Wolf, a “Merchant,” and he’s probably the movie’s villain.
The gang sneaks up on Paul and goes through his van and motel room. They steal his metal Thermos which has something important inside. All six of the gang and Paul load into a car and drive out to the gang’s lair. One of the guys opens the Thermos and reaches inside, and he gets a 3D worm attack right in the face. They beat Paul senseless and dump him.
He wakes up at Pat’s place; she’s rescued him somehow. She’s made him rattlesnake tea– just kidding, she says, it’s made from lemons. Wolf arrives in town, and he’s clearly looking for Paul. He runs into Buddy, who denies having seen Paul. Wolf knows he’s lying and shoots his hand off. He has better luck talking to Collins.
Back at the gang hideout, Zeke cries about the thing inside him eating its way out. He’s clearly dying, and Ricus has no idea what to do.
Paul has moved to Pat’s place with all his equipment. Paul tells her that he created the parasite for the government, but it was really The Merchants who were behind the project. Paul’s prognosis is not good. He needs the parasite that’s on Zeke in order to find a cure. If the parasite reproduces, it’s basically the end of the world.
The gang ambushes Wolf, which goes badly for one of the gang members. They slow him down enough that Paul gets away.
In the morning, the parasite has drained Zeke and gone off on its own somewhere. Oh, it’s on Dana, another of the gang. They all run to Collins’s place for help. Everyone heads to Miss Daley’s place, where they all work on saving Dana. Collins sends Ricus to Pat’s place to find Paul.
Wolf gets to Pat and beats the truth out of her. Ricus attacks him, and the two fight. Paul returns from somewhere and tells Pat that he can kill the parasites with high-frequency sound.
Dana dies, and the parasite moves on… to Miss Daley. It climbs up on her ceiling, and 3D drops goo on her until it jumps down and gets her. Eventually, it bursts out of her head.
Paul and Pat track the parasite and wrap it in a blanket. They get a sample, but the worm escapes. Paul turns on the audio equipment, and his parasite rips its way out of him– and bites Pat before it dies and melts away. Paul is cured!
In the basement, Wolf shoots Ricus and knocks out Collins. He then attacks Paul, and they wrestle around right in front of the second parasite, which jumps on Wolf. Wolf falls out a window, and Pat shoots the fuel tank to blow up Wolf and the monster. They burn to death painfully.
Paul, Pat, and Collins look at Wolf’s burning corpse. “It’s over,” Pat states.
Brian’s Commentary
I saw this in theaters when it came out. It was the first 3D movie I had seen with grey glasses rather than the old red-and-blue ones. However, the glasses didn’t really make the movie any better. They just didn’t have the budget for a post-apocalyptic world; all we got was cars in a desert town.
The acting isn’t good. The effects aren’t good. The pacing and cinematography are pretty awful. It’s Demi Moore’s first big role, but she’s said on the record this was the worst movie she’s ever done.
It’s not the worst of all horror movies, not by a long shot, but it’s also a very far cry from being good. Maybe a 3/10 if I’m feeling generous.
Kevin’s Commentary
This kept seeming like it should have been better than it was. The basic premise is interesting. It’s got some ideas. But the execution of it just doesn’t really come together. I don’t regret seeing it, but once was more than enough.
1983 Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn
● Directed by Charles Band
● Written by Alan J. Adler
● Stars Jeffrey Byron, Michael Preston, Tim Thomerson
● Run Time: 1 Hour, 24 Minutes
● Trailer:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
This was apocalyptic futuristic science fiction, directed by Charles Band and part of the Full Moon company, so it does have the horror movie connection. This one is a very 80s blast of action and romance that kept reminding us of “Mad Max: The Road Warrior.” And it was very clearly made with 3D in mind as a gimmick. The effects haven’t held up well, but it was passably entertaining.
Spoilery Synopsis
A man drives his futuristic vehicle through the desert. After a while, he’s spotted by a mutant on a hill, and soon after, a flying craft shoots lasers at him. The man in the truck shoots back, causing the flying machine to crash explosively. Dogen then parks the truck to check out the damage. He looks at the dead man’s body and finds a red crystal.
We cut to a couple of crystal miners who complain about being in Nomad territory. They find a big one, “We’re rich!” When they go outside, Dhyana’s father is executed by the cyborg Baal.
Elsewhere, Dogen sees smoke and heads toward the action. He soon arrives at the mine site and finds Dhyana hiding inside the cave. He tells her about Jarden-Syn, a madman who’s been inciting the Nomads in a holy war. Baal is Jared-Syn’s son.
Jared-Syn tells his followers that he knows someone has come to challenge them.
Dogen asks Dhyana about the red crystal he found, so she takes him to her equipment supplier for answers. The little man, Zax, does some tests and says it’s a storage crystal for life force. It may have come from a lost city, but the only man who can take Dogen there is a former ranger named Rhodes.
Baal chases Dogen and Dhyana, and he shoots hallucinogenic acid at them before getting run off. In a fever dream, Dogen dreams about Jared-Syn, who can’t hurt him as long as Dhyana is with him. Jared-Syn concentrates real hard, and Dhyana teleports to where he is; he then teleports a monster to fight Dogen. Dogen’s smart, and he manages to short-circuit the electrical monster.
Dogen goes to a small encampment and goes into an entirely alien-free version of the Star Wars bar. He tracks down the ex-ranger, Rhodes, there. “You must’ve fought in the Sand Wars.” Rhodes isn’t cooperative, but Dogen goes outside to watch a guy getting beaten up. This somehow leads to a gunfight, which somehow leads to Rhodes sobering up and becoming an ally.
The two men drive to the Cyclopean burial grounds, which is where the lost city is. They walk through the smoky ruins and find a mask made of crystal. Suddenly, they’re both attacked by little sandworms with big teeth. Dogen shoots his worm, but Rhodes scares his off simply by yelling at it in a grouchy tone.
On the way out of the zone, they’re stopped by Hurok and his Cyclopean goons. The only way to live is for Dogen to fight Hurok in the Pit. Hurok’s way bigger and meaner, but Dogen’s smarter and wins the fight. Dogen spares Hurok’s life, so he’s an ally now, too.
Dogen and Rhodes drive right into Baal’s camp, making a mess of things as everyone scrambles to their own vehicles. After escaping, Dogen tries on the crystal mask, and it gives him a sweaty, shirtless vision of himself and a burning tree. He comes out of the trance just in time to see Rhodes attacked by Baal; Dogen rips Baal’s cybernetic arm off, leaving acid everywhere.
Baal runs home to tell Jared-Syn what happened, but they have Dhyana as a hostage. We see that his life-force crystal is huge; “The small crystals feed the larger.”
Dogen walks right into their camp alone and confronts Jared-Syn. Hurok is there as well, and he stands up for Dogen. Dogen makes a very brief speech, which sways enough of the rabble to cause a revolt. Jared-Syn uses his crystal powers to shoot at Dogen, but Dogen uses the crystal mask as a shield.
Baal grabs the mask and breaks it, so Hurok kills him. Jared-Syn flies off on an air-bike, and Dogen chases after him; now it’s just one-on-one. Jared-Syn calls upon his dark magic powers to open up a dimensional portal, so the chase gets a bit weird. Jared-Syn escapes.
Dogen goes back to the camp where Hurok and Dhyana are, and they talk about Jared-Syn going to another world or another time. He shoots the big crystal, which explodes and releases all the life forces it holds.
As Dogen and Dhyana walk away, Rhodes catches up to them in the car. All three head back to town…
Brian’s Commentary
“We have Mad Max at home.” You know it’s post-apocalyptic because everyone is sweaty, and no one washes their faces. In the end, Jared-Syn gets away and there was no sequel, so that didn’t work out so well.
This was obviously cashing in on “Mad Max: The Road Warrior” (1982), which was a recent hit at the time. There are also a lot of nods to “Star Wars” (1977). It’s post-apocalyptic, with lots of car chases, mutants, and hokey special effects. It was also filmed in 3D, although there aren’t an excessive number of gimmick shots in this. There are a lot of POV driving and flying shots, which, I assume, looked more impressive in 3D than 2D.
The makeup effects, especially on Baal and Hurok, are pretty decent; the other special effects are extremely dated. This was the movie that got Richard Moll cast in “Night Court,” as he really stood out.
It’s more action-adventure-sci-fi than horror. Still, it’s got mutants and monsters and mayhem. It’s… OK.
Kevin’s Commentary
They had a generous glycerine budget. Dogen, especially, was sweaty and shining through most of the film. The other makeup effects were pretty good, too. The special effects weren’t great, but overall, I thought it was moderately entertaining. I don’t know if I’d especially recommend it, but I didn’t hate it.
1990 Meridian
● AKA “Meridian: Kiss of the Beast” and “The Ravaging”
● Directed by Charles Band
● Written by Charles Band, Dennis Paoli
● Stars Sherilyn Fenn, Malcolm Jamieson, Charlie Spreadling
● Run Time: 1 Hour, 25 Minutes
● Trailer:
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
This was too long and drawn out. There is a story, a decent cast, and some very cool real-world settings in Italy. But it drags. It’s got horror elements and a romantic plot. Overall, the effect is pretty sedating and we give it a moderate thumbs up at best.
Spoilery Synopsis
We open with a bunch of circus performers coming out of a glowing cave.
We then cut to a church, where a boy brings in a painting that the woman in the castle has donated. The frame is old and valuable, but the worthless painting is hiding something painted beneath it. We pan down to the crypt beneath the church, and it’s full of old skulls. The priest takes the painting to Gina to restore the original layer.
Gina gets to work on the painting, but she has to meet her best friend, Cat, who is visiting Italy for the first time in ten years. Cat’s family owns an old castle on the mountain; old Aunt Martha has been living there all this time as the caretaker. Cat explains that legend says the man who built the castle in the 1500s was a wizard who turned his enemies to stone, which explains all the weird statuary on the property.
The two girls notice the creepy circus setting up just outside and attend. The ringleader, Fauvrey, introduces the sideshow. The dwarf points out the strong man, snake charmer, fire eater, and the others. When it comes time to pick a volunteer from the audience, they pick Gina. Fauvrey throws knives at her on stage, and it’s all fine. All through the show, some of the people on stage stare ominously at Cat out in the crowd.
After the show, Cat and Gina go backstage to talk to Fauvrey, who is charming and seems to like the girls as well. Cat is pressured into inviting the whole troupe up to the castle for dinner that night. Martha and Adriano aren't thrilled to cook for the big crowd, but they don’t have much choice.
They all toast their host, but we see that the dwarf has drugged the girls’ drinks. The girls almost immediately get woozy, and Fauvrey rapes both of them, as does the mysterious man in the mask who looks just like him. “I need you to love me,” says the man who drugged and raped her. The two twins(?) then continue to have sex with both girls. Somewhere in the middle of sex, Lawrence Fauvrey turns into a werewolf to finish the act.
In the morning, Cat and Martha talk about the mess the guests made last night. The circus and everyone with it are gone. Neither of the girls remembers the details, but they both suspect they were drugged. “We can’t go to the police,” Cat says. Gina leaves with a shrug to go back to work on the mysterious painting. And that’s the extent that we hear about the sexual assault from the night before.
Alone now, Cat wanders through the huge castle. She goes into a bedroom and finds a dead woman on a bed. She runs to get Martha, who says there’s no one there. When they return, there is no one there. She saw the dead girl when she was very young, which is why her father sent her to America at a young age.
Later, Cat finds Oliver Fauvrey outside, and he apologizes for last night. “When we made love, what we felt was real,” he explains, so now she’s sure of what happened. He leaves and talks to his evil brother, Lawrence, about Cat being “The One.”
Back in town, Gina works on uncovering the image in the painted-over artwork. It shows the castle on the hill.
In the castle, Cat follows the “ghost” to a crack in the wall, where she sees a vision of the werewolf carrying the dead woman and puts her on the bed. Later, Martha explains that the girl in the white dress was Cat’s father’s sister, Audrey. Audrey used to like the creepy owner of the circus, who sometimes acted one way and other times another (almost as if they were two men). Yeah, that was the Fauvrey group then, too. They’ve been around quite a while.
Cat goes through dead-Audrey’s room and finds a dress and some jewelry that are just her size. Lawrence appears to her, and he doesn’t deny killing Audrey. He ties her to the bed and rips her clothes off– but then the werewolf, Oliver, attacks him from behind; she sees him.
Gina has worked all day and into the night on the painting, which shows the castle, Cat, and Lawrence/Oliver. Meanwhile, Oliverwolf and Cat make out in the bedroom. Martha says, “It’s just a dream.”
Oliver tries to kill himself with an arrow, and Lawrence mocks him, knowing it won’t work. “Only someone who loves you can kill you,” he taunts. “You’re the beast, Lawrence.”
Oliver comes to Cat and swears he never killed anyone after the first lady of the castle, 400 years ago. Now, he’s here to protect her and have her kill him. He wants to die, and only she can break the curse. He begs her to do it as he starts to change. Change completed, the beast lumbers back into the portal and leaves her alone.
Cat goes to the local priest for confession, and the priest thanks her for donating the painting. She doesn’t know anything about it. Cat says it must have been Martha, but the priest says Martha died six months ago. “I conducted the funeral service myself.”
Gina finished the painting. It shows the Beast shooting a crossbow at Cat and Lawrence in the woods.
Cat and Martha have words. Cat has to face her destiny– and the truth that she loves Oliver. Martha leads Cat to the realization that Oliver isn’t the bad one, it must be someone else. Martha says she’ll always be with Cat as she vanishes.
Cat, alone now, dresses up in Audrey’s outfit and walks through the crack in the wall to the brothers’ lair. Oliver introduces himself and says the bad guy is his brother, Lawrence. He explains the whole thing to Cat. Lawrence killed the woman who owned the castle, but Oliver was the one who ended up cursed. He can only be freed if the lady of the castle loves him and kills him. Turns out, he’s really Lawrence, faking it, who plans to kill Cat.
Lawrence drags Cat out to the woods, and we see Oliverwolf out there watching with his crossbow. It’s just like the scene in the painting. Gina shows up and sees what’s going on. When the dwarf shows up to abuse Oliver, Gina helps him shoot Lawrence.
Oliver turns human again, and he hugs Cat. All the circus people walk back into the mouth of the magic cave. Oliver and Cat go with them to be happily ever after…
Brian’s Commentary
So the werewolf/beast is the gentle, good guy and the normal guy is the baddie? OK. I want to say it was a take on “Beauty and the Beast,” but it had enough differences to make it stand out.
The sex scenes are incredibly long and drawn-out and seem to be a focus of the film (the director obviously liked them). Sherilyn Fenn was right in the middle of filming “Twin Peaks” at the time, and she was a hot commodity, so that was probably behind it. Of all the cast members of Twin Peaks, her career seemed to stall out fairly quickly, but she does all right here.
The castle itself and the statuary gardens are real places in Italy; you can even book weddings there.
The werewolf costume is the same one from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1990), with a few modifications. The visuals are good, and the soundtrack is well done. However, the problem is that the story itself is very slow and drawn-out.
It’s quite dull.
Kevin’s Commentary
The castle and the park with the big statues were awesome settings and added a lot to the film. Good thing because it’s kind of dull. It’s got the right elements there, just needs to be tightened up. As it was, the entertainment was on the low side.
2025 City of Demons
● Directed by Charles Band
● Written by Leon Schmoolie
● Stars Ariana Madix, Jessica Morris, Circus-Szalewski
● Run Time: 1 Hour, 22 Minutes
● Trailer: (This movie is so bad, they didn’t make a trailer)
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
This wasn’t horror so much as it was a loose collection of scenes that was a delivery system for hot clothed girls, hot unclothed girls, girl-on-girl sex, man-on-girl sex, and girl sex with a giant Elvis puppet. That last one was at least interesting in a weird way. There are ghosts and vampires and other stuff going on in a choppy mix that we both firmly give a thumbs down.
Spoilery Synopsis
Danni and Reese, both Realtors, talk about selling an old house that’s been empty for eighty years. They go inside and start pulling sheets off the furniture (the house doesn’t even look eight years old). The pair get to work cleaning before the buyer arrives. We get a “cleaning montage.”
We cut to a casting room where actresses talk about wanting to be in this movie so badly, but one of them insults the work. Two others don’t fare much better with the awful script, but the perky, vacuous one gets cast. They go home, put on monster masks, and dance in front of a crystal ball, and we see that someone is watching them. They have a lot of really cool horror movie masks and props– they’re all decorating for Halloween.
Back at the old house, Reese watches as ghosts frolic outside near the waterfall. More ghosts, including the ghosts of Sonny Barnes, Tubby Fitzgerald, and Erik Burke talk to her. She hears screaming in the basement and goes through a secret door to get down there.
The four “horror girls” decide to watch “The Killer Eye” on DVD. They even have a Killer Eye prop. One of the girls takes her top off and flashes the Eye. In the movie, a woman in clown makeup gets her fortune told by a woman at the beach who takes her to a dispensary on her break. We get a glimpse of the “Gingerdead Man” as well as the “Evil Bong.” They all watch a show featuring a zombie-puppet Elvis, having sex with a stripper.
Reese rushes into a room where she sees the Phantom of the Opera having sex with a woman. No, it’s Erik, Sonny, and Tubby. Reese says the potential buyer of the house will find her. They laugh; Erik was posing as the buyer.
“This sucks,” says one of the horror girls (as did Kevin) at the weird Elvis puppet sex. The crystal ball is still watching them all, and when it starts glowing, they all notice.
In the basement of the mansion, the three old dead movie stars continue to terrorize Reese. They introduce their leading lady, much to Reese’s terror.
We cut to a strip club and see still more sexy things. A woman leaves, and something in the parking lot abducts her.
We cut to a man and woman shopping, and we see that he’s a vampire.
One of the horror girls protests to the other about how straight she is as they climb into bed together. When they’re interrupted, they suggest the third girl join in.
Back at the haunted house, Reese and Danni, the other Realtor, clean out the deactivated waterfall and find a necklace. They talk about the buyer, who only communicates with them by letter. Was she hallucinating the working fountain and the dead movie stars?
Back at the strip club, a woman talks to the owner, who doesn’t like the light. She wants a job, so he makes her do a sexy dance for him. Meanwhile, her boyfriend wanders around in the main area of the club and watches the show. Two women in the restroom talk about the dancer who has been killed.
The abducted woman wakes up in a mechanic’s garage and screams at the walls.
Danni goes to sleep in one of the bedrooms and is transported to a land of mountainous animated boobies as the characters from “The Killer Eye” get all philosophical with the devils there. She runs downstairs and is grabbed by the three dead actor ghosts. They chain her to a post in the basement. Meanwhile, we cut to other places and see still more… stuff.
We see that the guy at the store, the girls in the garage, and the strip club members are all vampires, and they do their thing.
Reese and Danni drink wine as the credits roll.
Brian’s Commentary
DO NOT Confuse this with 2018’s “Constantine: City of Demons” that we reviewed when it came out.
WTF was that? Someone cleaned scraps off the cutting-room floor and stitched them together? There never was anything resembling a plot.
This is like scenes from nine different movies edited together inconsistently with triple the usual amount of T&A thrown in. There were too many blonde women who all looked alike; we couldn’t tell who was who for the most part. This is really, really hard to follow. We repeatedly cut away to scenes that don’t really go anywhere or fold in with any of the other plots. There’s just way too much cutting back and forth between things that don’t seem to be related.
We realize that this one is chock full of cameos, but the credits don’t say who they are. I caught a few, but “Evil Bong” and “Gingerdead Man” are completely egregious. Stuart Gordon, the director of “Re-Animator” was one I spotted, but I know there were a few that I should have recognized and didn’t. Full Moon went crazy with the self-references to their own films, but not having seen much of their stuff since the 80s and 90s, I was a little overwhelmed.
This was truly, unequivocally incoherent trash. And not in a good way.
Kevin’s Commentary
Stuff happened to a bunch of attractive young women who were pretty interchangeable in appearance. The story was vague and choppy, with enough horror elements to slap the horror genre on it, but it was more of a mostly bland softcore porn. Charles Band (director) has been directing and writing for decades with some entertaining stuff under his belt - something went terribly wrong with this one.
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